What Should I Do Now?

For months, I’ve been working on a movie (my first feature film) and it was the greatest joy I’ve ever known. I thought about the movie on the days I wasn’t scheduled. Most of the people there were making four figures a week while I was making absolutely nothing and it didn’t bother me one bit. Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve taken the four-figure-week in an instant but the nothing wasn’t a small enough amount to keep me away.

It gave me a sense of purpose that I didn’t realize I was missing. I got to be up close and in the middle of my dream and every single day, I was greeted with so much hope. Everything was brighter. There was one morning in particular; I woke up in the king size bed in my hotel suite (donated by the hotel manager because I was so “awesome”), I was surrounded by pillows, wrapped up in a white comforter and the sun was shining through the sheer curtains on the window. I looked up and felt…perfection. I felt like I was snuggled in the arms of my heavenly Father, I felt like I could hear the beating heart of my perfect soulmate and my dreams felt like they were alive inside of me.

Perfection, though, like a good movie, can’t last forever. As beautiful as that moment was, it’s taken me three weeks to realize that it was only a moment. Moments like that are special because of the contrast, I think, and I finally appreciate the many moments of non-perfection. For two weeks, since the movie ended, I’ve existed in this empty bubble of confusion. The real shade is that I didn’t even realize I was in this bubble. Aimless, going nowhere. I stood on the bus stop tonight, after taking over 6 hours to get ready and realized that I had no idea where I was going. No clue!! And I meant that literally and figuratively. I’m lost. I have no direction. I was headed to three different places all at the same time and had not consciously decided where I was going. So, do you know where I went instead? I walked back to my house and decided to just spend some quiet time with myself.

I sent a text to my new friend, B (more on him later) and expressed my “lost” feelings. I’m so glad I sent that text. I’m glad for a couple of reasons. I have spent most of my life not communicating with people and hiding my thoughts and feelings. It was a combination of fears and uncertainties and part of it was not thinking people cared to know what I was thinking or feeling. Another part of it was being afraid of vulnerability; when you’re vulnerable, it means you care and when you care, it means you get hurt. If I could get back to the point, I was glad I sent it because it was me being vulnerable AND it was me choosing to believe that this guy cared to know what I was thinking and feeling. Well, shiver me timbers sunshine! I got the best gift ever: B’s response…”you find the most unique things when you’re lost”.

Isn’t that wonderful? “You find the most unique things when you’re lost”. Suddenly, lost didn’t seem like such a loss anymore! Lost suddenly felt like Candyland (one of my favorite board games as a child). Lost felt like the magic of imagination and my favorite childhood movies. Thinking about Candyland got me to thinking about imagination and inspiration, two things that I haven’t really explored in a long time. I’ve taken a couple of road trips with ambition, dedication & persistence but imagination and inspiration, I haven’t seen those girls since the reunion!

I titled this blog, “what should I do now?” The answer is…whatever I want.

Hi imagination, you’re more beautiful than I remember! Hey there inspiration, I don’t know how I’ve gone on this long without you! Let’s hang out. I’ve missed you.

Be Fearless,
E.